I don’t know if a paragraph or two is sufficient.

On the one hand, I know you know what I’m going to write, because we talk constantly about it. But on the other, I like demystifying my experiences for the audiences I show off for. And also, you deserve all the writing I can heap on you.

At this point, you’re basically my oldest friend. I occasionally text people from high school. I occasionally meet up with people from college. I see you almost every week, and have done for seven or eight years. There’s no one who knows me better who I’m not actively fucking. When I started transitioning, every step along the way came through the kink community first, every new look or pronoun or decision has been trialed out at munches or in your living room over cocktails, and you have made space for every step of that journey. You’ve misgendered me less than basically anyone else in my life. You have, from the moment you met me, understood me. You’ve gotten it, you’ve been on board in a way very few other people have.

But it’s more than just supporting my gender journey and giving me space to explore and flourish in that regard.

When it comes to my kink journey, you’ve been more than a cheerleader or a sounding board. You have been a driving, corrupting, coercive force. You have repeatedly walked with me, up to the lines I’ve drawn in my head, watched me draw them and articulate them, studied them with me, and then shoved me over those lines, again and again and again. You’ve broken me time and time again, weakened my resolve, injured my ability to say no to you. In the way that a bad sprain or dislocation causes trauma to the muscles that make future injuries more and more likely, you’ve carved out my body, my brain, to better suit your desires.

And to better suit mine. You saw, from the start, the fascination with which I looked at the other side of those lines I drew. You saw me trapping myself, keeping myself from things I wanted, because I was convinced it was annoying or a burden or an inconvenience, that no one would want to go out there with me. You could see the way I wouldn’t accept someone’s invitation, the way I couldn’t trust their authenticity. So you decided for me. You accepted the invitation on my behalf.

I suppose we’re entering “do as I say, not as I do” mode here. I think as a mod in the community I probably have a responsibility to point out that I wouldn’t recommend anyone do what we do without careful self-examination, and I don’t ever want someone to feel like what I’m describing is ‘more true or real or authentic’ than the way they engage in kink. But I think we fall at the outer edges of kink and desire, and I think both of us are capable of handling this and very interested in playing this way.

I’ve always, always, always loved CNC (consensual nonconsent). I love saying no and having something happen to me anyways. I love begging and pleading for mercy, so that it can be denied. I love… submitting, truly relinquishing control, so that someone else’s desire can be realized. When we were negotiating this scene, I told you I would be able to answer color checks as you gave them, and you told me that you wouldn’t be using them. You told me you trusted me to color when I needed to, and barring that, you weren’t going to be checking in. My heart felt so full in that moment, and it made perfect sense because that’s basically the way we’ve always operated. You’ve pushed and you’ve tormented me, for years, and any time I safeworded you immediately stopped, checked in, figured out what needed to change to continue or if we were done. But you’ve always trusted me to do that when I need to, and pushed full speed ahead so I could feel the full brunt of your enthusiasm.

We have, without ever fully sitting down and discussing it, entered into a pretty strong 24/7 dynamic. Whenever I am around you, I feel both completely safe and also a profound unsafeness. The second you sense me getting too comfortable, you torment me. Maybe in a small way, cornering me at a munch and making me blush to my socks with threats of what you’ll get everyone to do to me. Maybe you’ll drip water out of a straw down my shirt, or dab a tiny drop of olive oil on my forehead so I can’t continue my conversation without stammering and shaking. Or maybe you’ll force me to tape down a dropcloth so you can, without warning, cover me in an evening and outfit destroying amount of mess, encouraging guests I’ve just met for the first time to join in despite my miserable discomfort and protesting. Or maybe we’ll have a lovely evening and hug at the end. It’s a complete uncertainty every time.

And the other people of it all… god I don’t know what you say to people, but something about your enthusiasm melts their apprehensions the same way it melts mine. You bring out the absolute worst in people when it comes to me, you whip crowds up into absolute feeding frenzies, people I know and love and trust, who would never feel like they could do those things to me, end up doing them and laughing the whole time. You help people forget to treat me like a human. You know it’s what I need.

At the party, an hour before the haircut, you took me aside, away from everyone else at the party, for a final check. You asked me if we were going through with it. And when I quietly nodded yes, that’s when you brought the t-shirts out. Because it would have been the bad kind of coercive to do it the other way. It’s the little bits of thought and attention that make me feel so safe with you.

For the last 8 years, it’s felt like I’m in a car with you, and we’re driving down a mountain, and there’s no real safety rails at the side of the road, just a thousand foot drop, and we’re picking up speed, and you keep looking over at me and grinning, and I can’t help but grin too. You’ve taken me to the strangest places in kink. You’ve helped me become something so profoundly fucked up and broken and slutty and pathetic and ruined. It’s a life, a place in a community that would have felt like an absolute fiction if I wasn’t living it. I owe you more than I can ever say. I hope the sacrifices I offer in exchange help you understand.